+ Dog

My dog ate my toddlers…

Lets fill in the possible blanks here: My dog ate my toddlers – Food? Toy? Diaper? Shoe? I mean the list could go on but those are some initial thoughts that would naturally come to mind. However, my fill in the blank is much more um natural and in the raw form. Told you we were going to get real!

So let me tell you how this all came about because by no means is this a normal occurrence in our home. My Fiance Tyler and I were in our backyard with our 17 m/o son Ryler. He loves to play with hose in our backyard and watch Echo (our dog) go crazy for the water. In the process, of course he gets soaking wet like any toddler would do. Before we go inside we take his clothes off and he is now naked and free…..which EVERY baby loves…lemme tell ya. We go inside and let him run around before getting him back into another diaper and clothes. At this point it was getting close to his bedtime routine of taking a bath so we figured he could just free ball it for a little before heading upstairs. He gratefully thanked us by running like a crazy person around the house playing fetch with his dog.

Now, while he is in the front room playing with his dog, Tyler and I are in the other room simply chatting. Watching our son run back and forth between rooms and laugh his little bare ass off, so precious. We got caught up in conversation and noticed it got real quiet. Then we hear the pitter patter of our sons feet running into the room. I see on the side of his leg what appeared to be peanut butter, or a melted Reeces pieces cup. Which the Reeces cup wouldn’t be out of the question since we had some in the freezer but I was thinking… what in the hell? how did he get that everywhere? Then it hit me. OH MY GAWD, MY SON SHIT! Mind you, this was also his first bowel movement of the day. So…yes…shame on me I guess I had it coming, however it is not uncommon for a child to not poop in a day (although my son has ALWAYS gone at least once). As I am realizing this horrific thing unfold in front of me, Ryler is crawling into his Mickey Mouse upholstered chair. As the words “Tyler, Ryler just shit in the house, and he played in it! hurry grab him!” fly out of my mouth. Now, we try to refrain from swear words in our house around precious ears but in a moment like this they were just flying. I am imagining this all day long pent up shit, smearing all over his toddler Mickey Mouse chair. Even worse….where all did he smear his shit?! Is it on my dining room chairs? Is it on the wall? Did he shit in the air vent? His favorite spot to go dump a load in private just so happens to be in the same corner our floor air vent is. Every possible scenario is running through my head.

Tyler rushes and swoops him up and whisks him away to the shower. It is a total war zone of shit all over his butt and legs. In the meantime….its just me and Echo downstairs looking for this what smells like a HEAPING pile of crap. It is like a tidal wave that just hits you, a brick wall of the nastiest smell I have ever smelled. I mean the kid held it in all day long, it had plenty of time to ferment up in his intestines before glorifyingly making its way onto what I am envisioning EVERYTHING in my front room.

I am looking everywhere, I can’t find it! How can I not see it? The smell is everywhere! It smelled so bad it should be on the walls, the floor, the chairs, the table, anything that I can see, this shit should be on it. However, it is NOWHERE! I am literally on my hands and knees looking for this magical invisible shit that smells like its been rubbed in my face but nowhere to be found. I turn around in frustration and see Echo….looking at me with these doe eyes, licking her chops. Another round of OH MY GAWD hit me…my dog just ate my sons shit! I then put my hands on my hips and said “Echo! Did you just eat Ryler’s Shit?!? Goodness You just ate Ryler’s Shit!!”. She looks at me ears back and just sighs the biggest sigh with the look of “I was caught…I was caught eating my human babies shit”.

Because I had no idea where the actual heaping steaming pile of man child shit landed, I was on all fours with clorox wipes, spray, rags, wiping the floor down like there was no tomorrow. The thought just kept going through my mind over and over as I repeated what seemed to be in my head but I am sure was out loud “My dog…..my dog just ate my sons shit. For real Echo?”.

After this, we all decide it is simply time for bed.  Then another possibly more horrific thought hits me….Echo could throw up SHIT in my bed tonight! What is worse than shit throw up? Is there? I mean genuinely I am trying to think of what could be worse than a dog throwing up in your bed but a dog throwing up SHIT in your bed, while you are sleeping?!? I made sure to have a little pep talk with Echo and contemplated making her sleep in the bathroom. After our talk, she comes up to me…and BURPS the shittiest burp I have ever smelled in my life. It was as though someone spread their butt cheeks in my face…farted… and a shart came with it.

This was how I was to end my night. Being Burp sharted on with the hopes that shit wasn’t going to also come back up in the form of throw up. Good Night!

 

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Welcome to Failed Southern Belle

Hello 🙂 I have been meaning to create my blog for some time now. However, a move across the United States, moving into our home, a new baby, planning a wedding and now another kiddo on the way kinda put things on the back burner for a little bit. I couldn’t help it though, I would continually think of new things I would want to talk about or simply share about my life experiences. So, I took the plunge and here we are with Failed Southern Belle.

Why Failed Southern Belle you might ask? Well to better understand this blog it would help to know what a Southern Belle actually is, or at least the characteristics of one. There are many ways to define a southern belle, here are the 4 major areas of what I would consider a southern belle to exude.

The original definition of a “Southern Belle” was a daughter of a white wealthy Southern plantation owner. The ‘true’ Southern Belle by definition has ceased to exist. Below are examples of todays present Southern Belle.

  1. Appearance – You will always find a southern belle to be well cared especially in their maintenance of hair. This includes both wanted and unwanted hair, and for the wanted, bigger is normally always better. Their hair is curled and or styled at all times. You will never see a southern bell leaving the house disheveled with a messy bun on their head. Stylish clothing and for the most part conservative. They always leave the house with their “Face On”, meaning their makeup is always worn in public. To make sure you aren’t seen as “Tacky” you are never to chew gum or smoke in public!
  2. Vocabulary and Speech – A true southern belle will have a slight southern accent or drawl. Their vocabulary and grammar are superb and very refined. You will always hear them start or end a statement with a “sir” and “ma’am”. This is not just reserved for the elderly crowd either this is for everyone they speak to. Their terms of endearment are used so sweetly such as “darling” and “sugar” you can almost taste the Tupelo Honey coming from their lips.
  3. Social Engagements – Their attention to detail to throw quite the event of the year or fabulous gathering is a must have in their repertoire. They know how to take control and demand respect but they are very light with their words, sweet with their actions and all without being a bull in a china shop when out for an evening with friends or significant other.
  4. Bonafide Cook and Baker – A true southern belle knows her way around the kitchen. You will never find an inedible pastry at her table and dinner is finger licking good.

Overall southern belles are seen as charming, extremely polite and in a mysterious way somewhat helpless. If they are upset you will never see it in public as everything personal is to be discussed in the privacy of their home.

So what does all of this mean for Failed Southern Belle? Throw all of the stuff above out the window. We are going to be real and raw. We are going to talk about it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. We will more than likely  at some point leave the house with a messy bun on our head, and some form of either baby throw up or the mornings breakfast that jr. decided he wanted to throw on mommy because he thought it would be funny. We may or may not have mascara on, and we may have forgotten to put deodorant on.

Needless to say, we are going to talk about anything and everything because I am tired of saying or hearing “Why don’t people tell you about this before hand?”. Some topics may be so embarrassing you will blush reading about it. Good, then we are being raw and real.

There will be health, family, sex (thats right), shopping, beauty, recommendations, tips, my favorite the “Vent All” section, but mostly – all of the above.  So sit back and enjoy! Join in and share with your friends and family. Want to know what is next on the list? Check out the right side bar of the blog, there will be an upcoming topics section. By all means, please send in topics you would like to have written about and I will do my best to write a post about it. Not all requests will be taken, but I will try my best to write about as many as possible.